Paranoid Searadroid

Since I’ve been spiraling lately I thought I’d throw out a post covering my top ten super most favorite worst paranoia’s, in list form, aka, the laziest form. Here we go;

1. I text or call you and don’t hear back instantly. You’re obviously mad at me or hate me, and now I’m freaking out about it.  Maybe I’m a closeted narcissist but I can’t dream up a scenario where everyone I know and love isn’t idly sitting around waiting for me to reach out. Be it minutes or years between contact, not responding fast will throw me into a full-blown, hard sobbing, red-faced,  snot covered panic attack. Lately this one is a constant, be it a brandy new friend, a long time loved one or a co-worker, I’m pretty sure everyone in the world is sitting around hating me right now, possibly together. (I’ve actually had to turn off most of my messaging apps and doo-hickeys as of today just to calm down the near constant freak outs.) 
2. Calling into work. The reason does not matter, be it; flu, diarrhea, death in the family or just bipolar issues that are seemingly impossible to explain in a professional manner (“sorry I can’t come in today but I’ve been crying and posturing various deathly scenarios for two months now and today it’s all coming to a head. I’m sure I’ll be totally fine tomorrow tho!”). Calling out is the worst for me. I take zero pleasure in not being there because I assume my entire work place has joined forces with my imaginary group of slow responding friends and they’re all sitting in a Chillis somewhere hating me. (“she dresses like an obese China doll and have you seen her blog? We get it. You’re sad. Boo hoo sea monster. Boo freaking hoo.”)
3. Leaving the house, the sea monster chronicles. Some days I feel pretty, not modelesqe by any means, but pretty or cute. Other days I feel surprised to fit thru the door without first slathering it with vaseline. Also, on my less than stellar days, I like to bump it up a notch by glueing myself to my mattress and remaining buried alive in a mountain of pillows and blankets until the fear of being seen subsides a bit. Surely the best way to amp up your self-esteem is to skip showers, make up, hair combing and any and all human contact. These are the same days when poor poor William is forced to do the grocery shopping, or drive me to and from work, answer the door if God forbid anyone comes around pitch forks and torches in hand to smoke the sea beast out from her pillowy tower.
4. Losing my job. I’m convinced every single day that I’m going to be fired for being a manic-depressive lunatic, bouncing between cute office clown and mournful hobo-like working slag. I’m sick and it’s not one of those groovy, we’ve heard you’re dying and want you to stay till the bitter end type deals. It’s not cancer. It’s not aides. It’s mental illness. Its near impossible to explain an inability to come in to work because you’re too scared to get out of bed, but if I tried that whole getting fired thing could become a nightmarish reality a whole lot faster, I’m sure. I’m not saying aides and cancer are literally groovy, don’t be “that guy”.
5. Changing my medications for my gastrointestinal problems, depression, or any future illnesses. So essentially from this point going on, what ever Doctor I’m seeing needs to nail it on the first try. Oh, this medication gave me seizures and hives? Well, I’m just gonna see if I can’t build up a tolerance to that . There was a year where I allowed myself to be on 9 medications for depression, simultaneously, and I did not question it. Granted that year is a little fuzzy for me, but it happened. I don’t like changing medications as it does things to your mind and body and I’m already so fragile that I can’t imagine deliberately introducing some new obstacles to deal with.
6. Any and all change. Moving, changing jobs, relationship changes, diet changes or even going with a higher heel on my shoe. There are so many things that set me off I’ve learned to just avoid all of them. Don’t mind me guys, just over here living life to the fullest. I wanna add, I do change my sheets and wash my body (most days). I’m not like a Yankees player trying to hold on to all of my precious body dirt thinking it will score me a good day, I’m just like, really close to that, but not that.
7. Being fat forever. I’m waiting for my fried dough and mozzarella sticks to be delivered, so I’m not sure this one is a paranoia or more just a harsh reality. I used to be thin! I went to college with the goal of one day being a nutritionist, but some “failed” pregnancies, extensive depressions and multiple medications that cause weight gain later, not over eating messes with my head. How do I lose without upsetting this delicate balance? Um, I don’t mess with the balance, so I don’t know. I also learned some pretty crappy eating habits when I was young that I’ve yet to unlearn. My mother would order a ton of pizza with a bouncy check, so we’d over eat and then have nothing to eat for an extended period of time. As a grown up type person I have money for food but I still eat it like I have no idea when I’ll have another chance. That caught up with me really fast. Plus….salad sucks. Just being honest. 
8. Relationship stress stuff, breaking up, dying alone. Williams reading these so, just think about your own relationship crap, maybe it’s something like that. “We’re so happy and want everything to stay exactly the way it is forever.”  Said no couple ever.
9. Not living my life to its potential. I’m not, so that’s just more fact based stuff to be upset about, but the idea that I may never do anything of value kinda falls under the paranoia blanket. I’m never having children, that’s not my purpose, I won’t be fighting any wars or trying to find and then force some higher power down anyone’s throat. I don’t have a rocking bod and my singing voice leaves much to be desired. I’m not sure my existence in this world will have served to do much more than create more planetary garbage and house a couple of cats from the outside elements. Is that enough to want another 50+ years hanging around? No, but my next fear of dying might be.
10. Dying. Ha. I’m pretty sure when you die, there is nothing, and that scares me. An eternity of nothing. The irony in this one being that living and dying are my two biggest fears. But dying must outweigh life by just a smidge. Obviously. Because I’m typing this. I’m not ghosting fingers along the keyboard like a modern-day Patrick Swayze, I’m alive, I’m typing, and so life is winning thus far. My favorite quote about death by some unknown;

Unknown Person “Remember before you were born? “

Me “No”

Unknown Person “Death’s like that.” 

Me “Oh, well that makes sense.”